Venting...

The past few months have been just a blur....
Times past, friendships last as long as the sun...
Been there done that.... is what I told him...
Don't need another ornament to hang on me...
I don't want to be a cheap thrill for him...
Not going to cheat me out of my life is what I told him...

Can't make into what I would like you to be...
I am not the potter...
It's just some things you should have learned from your father...
Your mother, I can never be...
That life of teaching you is just not for me...
I can't see myself, marrying a child...
A clown, and nothing brighter than the clothes you wear...
I stare, because You have so much potential...
Influential, Your thoughts were to me...
Now I see, they were just thoughts... No life behind the words...
No courage to see them thru... So, despair, I am talking to you...
I am no longer looking to be with you... No longer looking for you to control the very fiber of my life...
A wife is what I will be...
A graduate is what I have proven to be...
A survivor is what I will always be...
A child of the most high GOD is what was chosen of me...

Made for me...

Is it just me...
but the decisions that change your life the most...
really don't give you much time to decide...

Which path is right...
Do I go left and continue where I left off last...
But even God says its not good to live in the past...

Do I go right...
In pursue what is new...
Keep going to seek the correct view...

One guy... the night, like the wolf
he'll stray...
come back, and every command he'll obey...

Other guy... the day, like the sun..
hard worker, the stresser...
the new life I've begun...

People say...
Girl, leave that wolf be...
At times I think they are right...
but he just might be the one for me...

So, what do I do...
I leave both alone...
neither one are ready...
Neither one are grown...

They are both minors to me
merely a show to see
How big they have become in stature...
But they're mindstates begates laughter...

for they are as young as the morning dew...
and last just as long...
I could be wrong...
but its best not to play games...

cut all ties and stay away...
so my decision has been made...

Walking Alone

In all of my 23 years of living, I have learned that becoming perfect without guidance is both hard and self destructive. I have learned that even the holiest of people are still sinning. No one walking this earth is perfect. I can honestly admit that I have sinned and continued to sin knowing God is not pleased with my life. He has taken my joy, my love, my worldly possession away at one time and left me all alone, just to show me that he is all that I need. I have to admit though, it was a lonely time for me. The only reason people are successful at being "SAVED" is because they have help. Accountability partners, friends who live their life according to the word of GOD. Today, June 1st, 2010 I can say that I don't have any friends, no real ones. NO ONE is consistent enough in their walk to be honest and bare my sins to them. God says that "Iron sharpens Iron" but I am around nothing but brass, and wood. It breaks my heart to think that I could ever put my trust in the people that I have known all my life knowing they will ultimately fail. God knows that I desire to be strong enough to stand alone and powerful enough to draw people into his kindgom. But I am being honest and realizing that will never happen if I continue to stay around "lukewarm", selfish, compromising, christians. They are human just like I am. Once upon a time, I was with nothin but holy rollers, and I was MISERABLE. Because their holiness was conditional, their love was temporal, and I could not trust them as far as I could pick them up and throw them. The one thing I mostly ask God for are true believers, people that will not abandon me, backbite me, or lie to me. I ask God for people that I can commune with on a daily basis, hold me accountable for my actions, and love me thru my stumbles... If there are such people out there, and I am and have been reaching out... then answer this for me... Why am I still walking alone?

A Different type of Affair...

I am lying here believing, but I have to admit…
The older I get, the image of you drifts…
When I was younger, you were the guy that fought away all my fears…
As I got older you were the guy to wipe away my tears…
My dream romance, when I sleep is only when you exist…
But when my eyes open, it is you I begin to miss…
My super hero man, I have yet to meet…
Could it be…you lying next to me…?
Is it you the man standing next to me…?
Is it you, which last kissed my lips…?
Is it you, the last to grip my hips…?
Or are you a fantasy, wishing to come true…?
I wrap my arms around your neck, just to continue holding onto you.
I cover you in my kisses, that way you seem real…
I believe your hands are touching me, just to give me something to feel…
I believe you are the one for me…giving me time to kill…Just before you come for me, and are my knight, shining shield…

Garbage day.

SO far Gone I am lost...
Didn't know how much taking a wrong turn would cost...
As I think back to how I was living...
All the things and people I was befriending...

It has Officially changed me...
To a woman I no longer recognize...
Despised by my own reflection...
Depression, is not only what I have sunk in...
Blue, is not the color of my eyes I see...
deep down I drown in the bitter pit of me...

The life I wished, has come and gone...
from men I've kissed and drugged along...
Unbearable is what they have become to be...
Unbreakable is what I have shown of me...

I was taken...broken down to the core...
Life's journey scars, and wisdom sores...
I have leaped into bounds of different destinies...
I have slept beyond time's destiny...

A new alarm clock, has awaken me...
A LIFE NO LONGER MY OWN...
I have chosen another to lead in this skin...
A life of joy due to many repentance of sin...

I cry out to him,like a woman in labor...
tapered down like a cut, merely vapor...
he said I brought you back down to your essence...
back to my presence...
my glow...effervecent...

I have stolen a key God,
and I am no longer worthy to unlock the door that it belongs too...
But you, God have to Guide me thru...
You are not done with me I Hope...

With his spirit...in me... I choked...
and all the bile, and mess, stress of each year and day came out...
I shout, because I have victory now...
All I need to do is believe it...

thru God's spirit, I can achieve it...
Why God, have I gone so far away...
was it because I was lusting astray...

God I ask you, to please draw near,
I am alone and debted to you in fear...
God I am no longer welcomed into peace...
But with you Lord, I will meet...

God help restore my love and faith...
wash the bitterness from my tongue so that I can no longer taste...
God help me. Have mercy again...
for I am not only your child, I am a returning friend...

Good bye my Love...

I have to be honest
at best with you
Show you my feelings...
Give you the truth...

I love you
with all of me..
Would have given you all of me..
But you were only willing to take it
Shaken,
To the core of my foundations...

You scorned me...
At times I deserved it...
The same time I didn't understand what type of love we were making...
It doesn't matter now because you are toxic...
Venomous, to where my heart can no longer take it...
You broke down my shell, but now I have replaced it...

Take a look around and tell me what you see...
What I see, is that your heart is no longer with me...
You have chosen another over me...Yourself...
You have walked over me, so there's nothing left...

But I am finished...
I am done...
From the depths of the rivers
and the heat of the sun

Has burned away any bridge I have built for you....
No more crossing over...I am no longer here for you...

I have tried...and away with me you pushed
Walking away with my destiny....my love...
Leaving our past in the dust...

Its not heartless to say..
that you weren't worth my love...
Because once this poem is over
You'll give your shoulder a shrug...
and dial up the next one...
and the search will begin
A girl you will befriend...
and then you will feel some type of love again...
The love will be returned
and like a resurfacing burn
you will do it again...
The venom from your stinger will strike again...
and you will hurt her like the others...
To no asunder
Truly born of a woman...
Human hearts can't take guilt
so it wilts, and becomes hard
until the top layers begin to discard
and the true emptiness is revealed from with in...

Rebirthing you...
Changing your name does not reinvent a new...
It disguises the old
Until your actions manifests the truth

The real....Not even you can face...
Permutation...Not even you can change
So you can hate me, pretend I never existed...
Even say a Big FUCK you
Because the truth of the matter is that I loved you...Hopelessly
But I am now walking away Clear and Free...
Good bye Aaron...

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